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A Wild Sheep Chase: Summary, Themes & Ending Explained

May 19, 2025
19 min read

Updated: Oct 14

An ordinary photograph becomes the starting point for an extraordinary search in A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami. First published in Japan in 1982, the novel follows an unnamed man whose unremarkable life is interrupted by a demand to find a particular sheep. What begins as an unusual assignment gradually draws him into a world where powerful interests, personal memories, and inexplicable events overlap.

A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami, book cover.
A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami, book cover.

Murakami combines the momentum of a detective story with surreal encounters, understated humor, and a persistent sense of loneliness. His narrator moves through familiar places—offices, bars, hotels—yet these everyday settings become increasingly unsettling. The mystery invites readers to search for answers while also questioning how much the narrator understands about his own life.


As the third novel in the Trilogy of the Rat, A Wild Sheep Chase develops Murakami’s exploration of friendship, alienation, and the difficulty of preserving an independent identity. Its strange journey raises questions about the forces that shape people’s choices and the emotional cost of drifting through life. The result is an absorbing novel whose quieter moments can be as haunting as its most bizarre discoveries.


A Wild Sheep Chase Summary: From an Ordinary Photograph to a Mysterious Quest

Spoiler disclaimer: This summary covers the complete plot of A Wild Sheep Chase, including the final revelations, the Rat’s fate, and the ending.

The story begins with a memory of a woman the unnamed narrator knew during his university years. After learning that she has died in a traffic accident, he recalls their casual relationship and how little they understood about each other. This opening introduces a pattern that follows him throughout the novel: people enter his life, disappear, and leave memories he struggles to hold onto.


Years later, the narrator is approaching thirty and living in Tokyo. His marriage has ended, and he works with a business partner at a small advertising and translation company. His days pass through familiar routines of work, cigarettes, meals, and drinking. Although he manages his everyday responsibilities, he has little sense of direction. His partner’s increasing dependence on alcohol adds to the feeling that their apparently successful business has become an unhappy arrangement.


The narrator has begun a relationship with a woman who works as a proofreader, an ear model, and a high-class call girl. Her ears possess an extraordinary attraction for him, and she also displays an uncanny awareness of events before they happen. Alongside this new relationship, he maintains a fragile connection with an old friend known as the Rat, who has left their hometown and sends occasional letters without revealing precisely where he lives.


In one letter, the Rat asks him to deliver farewells to J, the owner of the bar they once frequented, and to a former girlfriend. The narrator fulfills these requests, encountering people and places that connect him to his younger self. The Rat also sends a photograph of sheep grazing in a mountain pasture and asks him to put it somewhere people will see it. The narrator uses it in an advertising publication, unaware of the consequences.


Soon afterward, a threatening stranger contacts the narrator’s company. He represents a powerful right-wing figure known simply as the Boss, whose influence extends across politics, business, and the media. The stranger demands that the photograph be withdrawn. When the narrator examines it more closely, he notices a particular sheep with a star-shaped marking on its back. This animal is the real reason for the stranger’s interest.


The Boss’s secretary explains that the narrator must find the sheep within a month. Failure could mean the destruction of his livelihood, while success will bring substantial payment. The Boss is gravely ill, and the sheep is connected to the mysterious source of his power. Refusing to betray the Rat by identifying him as the photographer, the narrator accepts the assignment. His girlfriend encourages him to undertake the search and accompanies him north to Hokkaido.


In Sapporo, the couple begins researching sheep and trying to identify the landscape in the photograph. Guided partly by the girlfriend’s unusual intuition, they stay at the shabby Dolphin Hotel. What initially appears to be an unlikely base for their investigation becomes an essential stop. The hotel owner’s father, an elderly recluse called the Sheep Professor, has a direct connection to the animal they are seeking.


The professor tells them that the star-marked sheep entered his body while he was in Manchuria in the 1930s. It remained within him for a time and then departed, leaving him with a profound sense of emptiness. His account transforms the search: the sheep can inhabit human beings and direct their lives. The narrator realizes that the Boss’s extraordinary influence is also connected to this disturbing form of possession.


The professor recognizes the pasture in the photograph as a place where he once lived. He also remembers another visitor who recently asked about it, and his description makes clear that this visitor was the Rat. The search for the sheep and the search for the narrator’s missing friend now converge on the same remote location.


The narrator and his girlfriend travel to a rural settlement and arrange transport toward the mountain pasture. A local sheep caretaker drives them partway, warning them about the approaching winter. They continue on foot to an isolated house that belonged to the Rat’s family. Inside, supplies and personal belongings suggest recent occupation, but the Rat himself is absent. The narrator settles in to wait.


Shortly after their arrival, his girlfriend disappears while he is asleep. Her departure is unexplained, and the companionship that helped carry him through the journey abruptly ends. He remains at the house, cooking, reading, walking, and watching the weather change. As the days pass, the practical investigation gives way to an increasingly uneasy vigil in a landscape cut off from his ordinary life.


His solitude is interrupted by the Sheep Man, a small, strange figure dressed in a sheepskin costume. The visitor seems familiar with the house and knows more than he will disclose. He assures the narrator that his girlfriend is unharmed but avoids giving clear answers about the Rat. The narrator becomes increasingly frustrated, sensing that everyone around him understands the situation while he alone remains in the dark.


Eventually, the narrator notices that the Sheep Man has no reflection in a mirror. The discovery pushes him to insist on meeting the Rat. That night, his friend comes to speak with him, asking that they remain in complete darkness. As they share beer and conversation, the Rat reveals that he is already dead. He killed himself before the narrator reached the house.


The sheep had entered the Rat and intended to use him for its own purposes. Rather than surrender completely, he chose to die while it was still inside him, destroying it with himself. He also explains that the photograph was a way of drawing the narrator to the house. His friend’s apparently aimless correspondence has led him into the aftermath of a desperate struggle. The Rat says the girlfriend is safe, although her extraordinary powers have disappeared.


Before their farewell, the Rat gives the narrator instructions involving the house’s clock. The following morning, the narrator follows them and leaves. On his descent, he encounters the Boss’s secretary, who pays him and proceeds toward the house, expecting to complete his own plans. Later, a distant explosion signals the destruction of the house and the secretary, completing the Rat’s resistance to the forces pursuing him.


The narrator eventually returns to J’s bar and gives him the money, making himself and the Rat silent partners. Afterward, he goes to the altered shoreline of his hometown and weeps. The search has ended, but his friend and girlfriend are gone. What remains is the grief that his familiar routines can no longer keep at a distance.


Main Characters: The Unnamed Narrator and the People Behind the Search

The Unnamed Narrator

The narrator is a recently divorced man approaching thirty who works in advertising and translation in Tokyo. Observant, dryly humorous, and emotionally reserved, he moves through life without any strong ambition or clear destination. His attention often settles on ordinary details—food, clothing, music, and household routines—even when extraordinary events surround him. This practical voice makes the novel’s increasingly strange world feel surprisingly believable.


His emotional distance also shapes his relationships. He recognizes that people matter to him, yet often struggles to understand them or express what he feels. The sheep chase gradually exposes the limits of this detached way of living. As the search becomes entangled with the Rat’s disappearance, he must confront losses that everyday routines have helped him avoid. His development is quiet and painful, culminating in an acknowledgment of grief rather than a complete understanding of everything he has experienced.


The Rat

The Rat is the narrator’s old friend, connected to their shared youth and the familiar surroundings of J’s bar. Although absent for much of the novel, he influences its direction through letters, memories, and the photograph that initiates the search. His restless travels and withdrawal from familiar relationships suggest a deeper dissatisfaction that the narrator cannot fully grasp. Their friendship depends partly on an unspoken understanding, but that understanding leaves much unexplained.


The final encounter reveals the seriousness of the Rat’s struggle. Possessed by the sheep, he chooses death rather than allow it to erase his independence and use him for its purposes. His decision gives new significance to a character who initially appears to be drifting without direction. He becomes central to the novel’s question of what a person is willing to surrender—or protect—when offered power at the cost of individuality. His farewell also brings the narrator’s emotional connection to him into sharper focus.


The Narrator’s Girlfriend

The narrator’s girlfriend works as a proofreader, an ear model, and a high-class call girl. Her ears exert an extraordinary fascination over him, while her intuitive awareness helps guide their search. She approaches the strange assignment with confidence and curiosity, often accepting possibilities that the narrator finds difficult to understand. Her presence gives the journey momentum and provides companionship as he leaves his familiar Tokyo life behind.


She remains difficult to know beyond the narrator’s descriptions of her appearance and unusual abilities. This limitation matters: his fascination does not necessarily amount to a full understanding of her as a person. When she disappears from the mountain house, her absence exposes how fragile their connection has been. The Rat later assures him that she is safe but has lost her special powers. Her story remains unresolved within this novel, leaving the narrator with another relationship he cannot recover or explain completely.


The Boss

The Boss is a powerful right-wing figure whose influence reaches into Japan’s political, economic, and media institutions. He remains largely out of sight, yet his organization can intrude into the narrator’s modest working life with devastating force. His authority becomes visible through the obedience of others and the secretary’s ability to make threats that require no public justification. Even while gravely ill, he casts a long shadow over the search.


The revelation that the sheep inhabited him complicates the apparent source of his success. His power is tied to a force that enters human beings and uses them to pursue its own aims. The Boss can therefore be read as both an agent of domination and a vessel for something beyond his control. His decline after the sheep’s departure suggests how little remains of an individual whose identity has become inseparable from the power passing through him.


The Boss’s Secretary

The secretary is the organization’s active representative: elegant, controlled, and intimidating. He turns an apparently harmless photograph into a demand that the narrator cannot easily refuse. His calm manner makes his threats especially effective, because he speaks as though the destruction of another person’s livelihood is a routine administrative decision. Through him, the narrator encounters the machinery behind the Boss’s largely invisible authority.


His explanations also reveal contempt for ordinary individuality and confidence in a larger, organizing will. He treats the narrator as someone whose movements can be directed toward a predetermined goal. This makes him an important counterpart to the Rat, whose final decision refuses such control. The secretary’s eventual journey toward the mountain house shows the limits of his certainty: his ability to manipulate the search does not give him a complete understanding of the resistance awaiting him.


The Sheep Professor

The Sheep Professor is an elderly specialist living at the Dolphin Hotel, which his son manages. His knowledge provides a crucial link between the photograph, the star-marked sheep, and the mountain pasture. Initially hostile and withdrawn, he becomes willing to speak when the narrator mentions the animal. His account of being inhabited by the sheep in Manchuria introduces the search’s disturbing history.


What makes him memorable is the damage that remains after the sheep has left. He describes an existence marked by emptiness and cannot easily separate his own identity from the experience of possession. Unlike the secretary, who sees extraordinary power as something to pursue, the professor demonstrates its lasting human consequences. His expertise helps the narrator move forward, but it has brought him little peace. He is a warning about what survives when a controlling force no longer has any use for its host.


The Sheep Man

The Sheep Man is a small, peculiar figure wearing a sheepskin costume who visits the narrator at the isolated mountain house. His compressed speech, abrupt requests, and evasive answers make him both comic and unsettling. He appears to know about the Rat and the girlfriend, yet refuses to give the narrator the straightforward explanations he wants. His familiarity with the setting makes him seem at home in a world the narrator barely understands.


The discovery that he has no reflection further unsettles any simple explanation of his identity. Although some of his gestures recall the Rat, their relationship remains mysterious, and treating him as merely another name for the Rat would flatten that uncertainty. He can be read as a guide or intermediary at the boundary between ordinary experience and the supernatural. His visits prepare the narrator for the final encounter while preserving the sense that this world follows rules beyond his comprehension.


J

J is the Chinese owner of the bar where the narrator and the Rat spent time during their youth. His presence connects both men to a shared past, offering continuity despite their departures and changing circumstances. He is reserved, and the narrator knows surprisingly little about his personal history. Nevertheless, their conversations carry a familiarity that does not depend on elaborate declarations of affection.


At the end, the narrator gives J the money received from the Boss’s secretary and makes himself and the Rat silent partners in the bar. The gesture turns the proceeds of the search toward a place associated with friendship and belonging. J’s bar cannot restore what has been lost, but it gives the narrator somewhere to preserve that connection. Within a novel filled with disappearing people and uncertain identities, J offers a modest, human form of stability.


Main Themes and Ideas: Identity, Isolation, and the Influence of Power

Identity and the Fragility of the Self

In A Wild Sheep Chase, identity is something the characters struggle to understand and preserve. The narrator has a job, a personal history, and intimate relationships, yet these do not give him a strong sense of who he is or what he wants. His anonymity reinforces this uncertainty. Readers learn his habits and observations in considerable detail while remaining unable to attach a name to the person describing them.


The sheep’s ability to inhabit people makes this uncertainty more disturbing. A person can continue to exist while becoming the instrument of another will. The Sheep Professor’s emptiness after its departure raises a difficult question: how much of the life he remembers truly belonged to him? Through possession, the novel gives a supernatural form to the fear that an individual’s thoughts, ambitions, and choices may be shaped by forces they barely recognize.


Loneliness and the Difficulty of Intimacy

The narrator’s loneliness persists even when he has company. His failed marriage, fragmentary memories of former lovers, and uncertain understanding of his girlfriend suggest that physical closeness does not guarantee emotional connection. He notices people carefully, but observation often substitutes for the more difficult work of knowing them. His restrained voice allows readers to sense feelings that he rarely expresses directly.


His relationship with the girlfriend makes this distance especially visible. He is captivated by her ears and depends on her intuition, yet much of her inner life remains outside his account. Her disappearance exposes the limits of that connection. The Rat’s absence works differently: their shared history creates loyalty, but years of separation leave the narrator unaware of his friend’s deepest struggle. The novel presents intimacy as valuable and vulnerable, particularly when affection remains largely unspoken.


Power, Manipulation, and Moral Resistance

Power operates through both institutions and personal pressure. The Boss’s influence reaches into politics, business, and the media, while his secretary can threaten an ordinary person’s livelihood without needing to justify himself publicly. The narrator’s assignment therefore begins under coercion. His apparent freedom to accept or refuse is sharply limited by the consequences the organization can impose.


The Rat’s decision brings resistance into the center of the story. The sheep offers extraordinary possibilities while demanding control over its host, and the Rat refuses that bargain. His suicide is a tragic response to possession, showing how destructive the confrontation has become. Read alongside the secretary’s treatment of people as instruments, his choice asks whether power can ever compensate for the surrender of an independent self. The novel gives moral weight to a seemingly unexceptional person’s refusal to be used.


Disillusionment with Work and Material Success

The narrator’s working life reveals a gap between earning a living and finding purpose. His company is successful enough to continue operating, but its advertising work gives him little satisfaction. His business partner also feels uneasy about what they produce and increasingly turns to alcohol. Their situation challenges the assumption that professional success naturally brings confidence, stability, or fulfillment.


This dissatisfaction connects the novel’s private troubles to the pressures of modern Japanese society. The partner has responsibilities that make leaving difficult, while the narrator’s weaker attachments give him greater freedom to depart. Neither position offers an easy answer. Murakami explores how people can participate in an economic system while feeling estranged from its values, and how the rewards of that participation can make dissatisfaction harder to act upon.


Memory, Loss, and the Disappearance of Familiar Places

Loss enters the novel before the sheep chase begins. The narrator’s recollection of a woman who died years earlier establishes how imperfectly people survive in memory. He remembers moments of contact without having understood the person herself. The Rat’s letters later pull him toward another uncertain past, one preserved through friendship, a bar, and the changing landscape of their hometown.


Returning home does not restore the world he remembers. Development has altered familiar places, making personal estrangement visible in the surroundings. By the ending, the narrator’s grief brings together the loss of his friend, his girlfriend’s absence, and the disappearance of an earlier life. His tears can be read as a moment when feelings long held at a distance finally become unavoidable. Memory preserves a connection, but it cannot reverse what has happened.


The Search for Meaning and the Limits of Explanation

The novel gives readers the recognizable shape of an investigation: a photograph, an unusual assignment, clues, witnesses, and a destination. These elements encourage the expectation that persistence will produce a complete explanation. Yet each discovery also opens onto something less easily understood. Learning about the sheep’s history clarifies the danger without making the supernatural world fully comprehensible.


The narrator ultimately discovers what happened to the Rat, but several uncertainties remain, especially around the girlfriend and the Sheep Man. This incompleteness shifts attention toward what the journey has made him feel and recognize. One way to read the search is as an encounter with the limits of explanation itself: understanding an event does not necessarily resolve its emotional consequences. The narrator can finish his assignment while still having to live with absence, uncertainty, and grief.


Symbols and Surrealism: The Sheep, the Ears, and the Remote Landscape

The strange images in A Wild Sheep Chase give physical form to experiences that its narrator finds difficult to describe. Possession, attraction, isolation, and uncertainty emerge through an animal, a pair of ears, a mountain house, and a mirror. These images invite interpretation, but their meanings remain flexible. Treating each one as a puzzle with a single solution would diminish the atmosphere of a novel in which understanding always remains incomplete.


The star-marked sheep is the most threatening of these symbols. Sheep commonly suggest obedience and the anonymity of a flock, making this particular animal’s distinctiveness unsettling. It stands apart while seeking to control the individuals it inhabits. Its relationship with the Boss connects supernatural possession to political and economic influence. One possible reading is that the sheep embodies an ambition for power that absorbs human beings into its own purposes, weakening the boundary between personal desire and submission.


The Sheep Professor’s condition extends this symbolism. After the animal leaves him, he experiences an enduring emptiness. Possession has altered his sense of himself so deeply that its absence becomes another form of suffering. His experience suggests that domination can persist through its consequences, even after the controlling force departs. The sheep therefore raises questions about dependence as well as coercion: what happens when something that has directed a person’s life also supplied its apparent meaning?


The girlfriend’s ears introduce a different kind of supernatural influence. They fascinate the narrator and accompany an intuition that helps the couple navigate the search. Because ears are organs of listening, they can suggest receptiveness to signals beyond ordinary awareness. Yet the narrator’s fixation also reveals something about his perception of her. He concentrates on an extraordinary feature while offering limited access to her inner life. Their symbolic importance includes this uneasy relationship between attraction, attention, and understanding.


The journey into the mountains changes the novel’s imaginative space. Tokyo offers familiar routines and recognizable institutions; the remote pasture gradually removes those reference points. Distance, difficult access, and approaching snow make isolation tangible. The narrator has fewer distractions and less protection from his own thoughts. The landscape can consequently be read as a setting for inward confrontation, where the unresolved connection to the Rat becomes impossible to keep at the edge of daily life.


The house deepens that confrontation through its mixture of familiarity and absence. Furniture, provisions, and traces of occupation indicate a human presence, although the person the narrator seeks cannot be found. Its connection to the Rat’s childhood also makes it a place where different periods of life overlap. Memory seems to inhabit the building alongside the narrator. This gives the house its unsettling quality: it offers shelter while continually reminding him that something essential is missing.


The mirror makes uncertainty about identity especially visible. When the Sheep Man fails to appear in its reflection, an ordinary household object exposes a break in the narrator’s understanding of reality. Elsewhere, looking at his own reflection unsettles his sense of recognition. These moments connect the supernatural mystery with a more intimate anxiety about the self. Murakami’s surrealism gains much of its force from such encounters, when familiar objects suddenly become unreliable and everyday experience opens onto something the narrator cannot confidently explain.


A Wild Sheep Chase Ending Explained: The Rat’s Choice and the Narrator’s Loss

Spoiler warning: This section discusses the novel’s final revelations, including the Rat’s death and the destruction of the mountain house.

The ending brings the narrator’s search to a devastating discovery: the Rat has already died before his friend reaches the house. Their final conversation takes place in darkness, allowing a familiar voice to bridge the distance between life and death. The meeting answers the central question of the Rat’s whereabouts while changing the emotional meaning of the journey. The narrator has arrived for a farewell he did not know he needed.


The Rat explains that the star-marked sheep entered him and intended to use him as its next vessel. Its power requires a surrender that he cannot accept. He kills himself while the sheep remains inside him, destroying it before it can complete its control or move to another host. Within the novel’s supernatural logic, this is his final means of resistance. His death reveals the extreme cost of confronting a force that treats human beings as instruments.


His choice also complicates the meaning of strength. The Rat has seemed restless, withdrawn, and uncertain, yet he ultimately refuses the extraordinary possibilities the sheep offers. His attachment to his own imperfect humanity matters more than the power available through possession. One interpretation is that the novel locates resistance in the qualities an authoritarian will would dismiss as weakness: personal feeling, memory, and loyalty to a self that cannot be reduced to usefulness.


The photograph now acquires a clearer purpose. It was a means of drawing the narrator toward the Rat, rather than an incidental souvenir. Their reunion reveals a struggle that had remained hidden behind the letters and the mysterious assignment. The Rat also explains that the girlfriend is safe, although she has lost her unusual powers. This assurance resolves the immediate fear that she has been harmed, but it gives the narrator no reunion and leaves their relationship unfinished.


The instructions concerning the house’s clock prepare the ending’s final act of destruction. After following them, the narrator leaves and encounters the Boss’s secretary, who pays him before continuing toward the house. The later explosion destroys the building and the secretary. The Rat’s resistance thus extends beyond the sheep’s death to the representative pursuing its power. The explosion closes that operation, although the novel offers no broad assurance that the surrounding systems of influence have disappeared.


Several mysteries nevertheless remain. The Sheep Man’s precise nature is never comfortably settled, and the girlfriend’s departure leaves an absence that explanation cannot repair. The ending provides enough information to understand the Rat’s fate while preserving uncertainty around the world in which that fate unfolds. Its emotional consequences are clearer than its supernatural rules: the narrator has lost his friend, his companion, and the possibility of simply returning to his previous life.


His gift of the secretary’s money to J turns the proceeds of the search toward a place associated with friendship. Making himself and the Rat silent partners preserves their shared connection to the bar. Finally, his tears at the altered shoreline suggest that his habitual detachment has broken down. He can now feel the losses that routines and understatement kept at a distance. The novel ends with grief becoming expressible, leaving his future open.


Review: What Makes A Wild Sheep Chase Worth Reading?

A Wild Sheep Chase is an absorbing novel for readers who enjoy mysteries that gradually unsettle their own premises. Its central assignment supplies a clear reason to keep turning pages, while the journey becomes increasingly concerned with questions that investigation alone cannot answer. Murakami balances curiosity about the sheep with interest in the man searching for it. The appeal lies in watching a familiar life become strange while recognizing the loneliness beneath that strangeness.


One of the novel’s strongest qualities is its narrative voice. The unnamed narrator describes extraordinary encounters with the same measured attention he gives to cooking, drinking, and choosing clothes. This consistency makes the supernatural feel woven into everyday experience. His dry humor also prevents the atmosphere from becoming relentlessly oppressive. Absurd conversations and practical inconveniences give the story moments of lightness, even as readers begin to sense how much remains concealed beneath his restrained account.


The pacing will divide readers. Although the premise suggests an urgent investigation, considerable space goes to meals, research, memories, travel arrangements, and waiting. These passages establish the texture of the narrator’s life and make changes in atmosphere noticeable. They also require patience. Readers who expect frequent confrontations or rapid discoveries may find the middle sections slow. For those receptive to Murakami’s rhythm, however, the accumulation of ordinary details gives the unfamiliar moments greater force.


The novel’s handling of mystery is similarly unconventional. Clues do lead somewhere, and the journey produces significant revelations, but some questions remain unresolved. Readers are asked to tolerate uncertainty about the relationship between the realistic and supernatural worlds. This approach is effective because the narrator’s emotional experience remains recognizable even when the events resist explanation. At times, however, the withholding can feel frustrating, particularly when a striking character or encounter seems to promise answers the novel never supplies.


A further limitation concerns the portrayal of women through the narrator’s perspective. His girlfriend has initiative, intuition, and an important role in the search, yet his fascination with her ears dominates much of his description. Her inner life receives less attention than her effect on him. This can be read as evidence of his difficulty forming intimate connections, but that interpretation does not remove the imbalance. Readers may reasonably wish that she had more space to exist beyond his attraction and bewilderment.


The book is also accessible without extensive knowledge of Murakami’s earlier fiction. It follows Hear the Wind Sing and Pinball, 1973 in the Trilogy of the Rat, and those novels provide additional background to the friendship at its center. Nevertheless, the sheep chase supplies its own narrative framework. Reading the earlier books can enrich the sense of shared history, while beginning here allows readers to encounter Murakami’s combination of urban observation, surreal adventure, and emotional restraint in a developed form.


Ultimately, the novel’s lasting effect comes from the feelings that its peculiar journey brings into focus. Its humor, quiet routines, and impossible events gradually acquire emotional weight. Readers drawn to reflective narrators, unusual imagery, and open questions are likely to find much to appreciate. Those who need every mystery resolved may be less satisfied. Its achievement is the way it makes an eccentric search feel connected to the familiar experience of losing people and struggling to understand what they meant.

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